Sunday, 5 May 2013

The Confidence to Be Me

Linking up with The Lounge with the theme, "What did you think you would be better at by now?"

Well, don’t just start with the hard questions The Lounge! If you had started with “What did I want to be when I grew up?” that would be much easier. But alas, you threw a curve ball and threw it hard!

I remember being a child and thinking I was going to be better at almost everything. You name it and I was going to be better than anyone else at it. It’s fair to say I was a dreamer as a child. Every child should have dreams. I couldn’t narrow mine down to one.
As I grew older, dreamer became idealist and I was always focused on the next thing. The ‘when I’ way of thinking. You know, when I lose weight I will be more attractive. When I have clear skin, I will feel better. When I get my degree, I will be happier. It’s that unrealistic attainment of something happening and things will be better than they are now.

I think that’s why I thought by now I would be better at having the confidence to be me. Accepting myself, flaws and all. As I rapidly approach 37, it’s not like this has suddenly come about. I have always struggled to accept myself. It’s called a lack of self confidence and what a mother fucker that thing is!!!
Being confident in my own skin. It’s a brutal battle between me and confidence. The older I get, the more I seem to win. Lately, I have won more times than I have lost. Some battles are just plain bloody and full of desperation to allow a mere shred of confidence to shine through. Some battles aren’t even battles. It’s like confidence showed up in its armour and killed everything around it. It’s those times when I am full of confidence that I am comfortable being me. However, it’s the times when I don’t have to battle that I get ahead of myself and think it’s not really an issue at all. Clearly, the universe never likes this approach and sends me something to send me back to reality. It’s then I realise I still have a bit of work to do on this confidence thing.

I always hoped confidence would land in my lap. Kind of like my prince charming. Plonk and confidence is there. Not sort of there, not half there, but 100% fully there. But really, if confidence was 100% there, then that wouldn’t give me any challenge now, would it?
As they say, it’s the journey not the destination. When I look back, I am proud of me. Proud of the obstacles that I have encountered and survived. Proud of what I have learnt about myself. I have become a better person for what I have experienced.

With each experience I learn a bit more about me. With each experience comes a little bit more confidence. It’s each experience that awakens a bit more inside of me. It’s these experiences I should be grateful for. To quote  Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose:-

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment. “

One day I will get there. One day I will have the confidence to be me. Until then, I will have plenty of new and rich experiences to enjoy.
What experiences have you found most valuable in understanding you?



  1. Good luck on your journey to being ok with you.

    Thanks for linking up with us at The Lounge

  2. I agree that with time and the older I get, the more I seem to win the confidence battle. But I STILL fall into the "WHen I lose weight, everyting will be better" or "have more money", "Move somewhere else" "Have a better job" stuff. ARGH! It's a difficult road that is fo sho!